Not tonight

I'm not going to write a poem about you tonight
I'm not going to analyze all you did wrong or right

I'm not going to replay your getaway over and over in my mind
I'm not going to accuse myself of being naive or blind

I'm not going to stain this page with recycled tears
I'm not going to fill this page with metaphors I've abused for years

I'm not going to think about you after this line...

I'm going to be me now - the world is mine

The only one

Strands of her hair fall on her face
He doesn't notice or put them in place
Whereas she dusts off imaginary dirt
Just so she can place a hand upon his shirt

He doesn't hear it when she screams out his name
Creating silences for his personal gain
She melts at the sound of his faltering voice
But to hear it never seems to come by choice

When he wants attention she'll be the first to know
But when he's had enough, she's always the first to go
It's never enough to simply be loved by one
There's always something making him come undone

She keeps filling her time with temporary gestures
And he fills his with temporary pleasures
Maybe she's blind or maybe she's just dumb
But to her, he's still the only one

Eat Pray Love

I have a lot of favorite books, most of which were written long ago. Every once in a while a new book will cross my path and spark my interest, but none have held my attention quite like Elizabeth Gilbert's Eat Pray Love. I first read this book about a year ago, but I still think about it often. My copy is marked and tagged, worn and read. I just feel compelled to write out and share my favorite part of this book. I don't think I really need to explain the plot or characters for anyone to fully understand or appreciate the passion behind these words. Just know that the author is heartbroken and she's receiving advice from a wise friend.

"...but I think the reason it's so hard for me to get over this guy is because I seriously believed David was my soul mate."

(Richard's response): "He probably was. Your problem is you don't understand what that word means. People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it. Your problem is, you just can't let this one go. It's over. David's purpose was to shake you up, drive you out of that marriage that you needed to leave, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light could get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you had to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master and beat it. That was his job, and he did great, but now it's over. Problem is, you can't accept that this relationship had a real short shelf life..."

"But I love him."

"So love him."

"But I miss him."

"So miss him. Send him some love and light every time you think about him, and then drop it. You're just afraid to let go of the last bits of David because then you'll really be alone, and Liz Gilbert is scared to death of what will happen if she's really alone. But here's what you gotta understand: If you clear out all that space in your mind that you're using right now to obsess about this guy, you'll have a vacuum there, an open spot - a doorway. And guess what the universe will do with that doorway? It will rush in - God will rush in - and fill you with more love than you ever dreamed. So stop using David to block that door. Let it go."

_________________________________________________________________

For the right person reading this (and I was the right person), those words can come at you like a semi. It can hit you hard, send you reeling and maybe even denying your own feelings. But sometimes you just need to be reminded that you are worth more than what you give yourself credit for. As for me, I'm always searching for the next big thing - which I am always hoping is my soul mate. I fall fast, I fall hard and then I blame myself if it doesn't work out. It's time to be grateful for the people who come and go...let them breathe new life and accept it. Don't spit it out when they are gone.

Anyone on a spiritual journey of any kind should read this book. Don't watch the movie and expect to receive the same message. You need to fold yourself into the words - separate them into piles of the ones that affect you the most. Read them again and again. Share them even. Let the words hurt you a little - it might break you down but it's in those moments that you can truly find out what is important to you.

Hmmm...

Would it be weird to re-start my blog challenge on Day 7....even though I posted Day 6 last September? Better late than never...right??

Off to search for some new blog topics....

Day 6: Brush with Fame

I don't have any amazing stories of meeting anyone incredibly famous, but there have been a few awesome people I have met along the way, that for me, were just as fun to meet as anyone else.

I've seen Al Roker and Katie Couric from a short distance when I went to a taping of the Today Show in 2001. I've also come close to Troy Aikman and got the autograph of another Cowboy's player when we went to training camp back in 1995...but those don't exactly count. However, it's still cool to say I have been in the same room as them.

The night before my 19th birthday, I went to a Sister Hazel concert with my friend Andi. While we were waiting for them to hit the stage, the guy who had played the first set came up to us and started asking us about the concert. It was Gavin DeGraw!! He had just released his first CD and was trying to get his name out there. He must have hung out with us for at least 30 or more minutes. He was so nice and autographed a few things (which my dog later chewed up!) and even took pictures. I came home that night and downloaded all of his stuff and he instantly had a fan! You just never know who will be making it big so sometimes it's more fun to meet up with the openers...mainly because they are usually easier to get to. Like I said, it's not like I met the biggest star ever, but that meeting is something I will never forget. A few years later I saw him again and it was impossible to get to him...but I already had my memory...so I just stole his set list and a guitar pick. :)

Also, last year I went to Zieg Fest with my brother and sister-in-law Paige. Our main goal for that day was to listen to Bob Schneider. So we got there early and sat as close to the stage as possible. There were not a whole lot of people there because Corpus people do not always appreciate bad-ass musicians. Anyways, we got to watch him get ready off to the side and then have the best seat in the house for his show. Afterwards I made sure I got a chance to shake his hand and get a quick autograph. Mission accomplished...such a cool guy.

Day 5

Day 5 blog challenge: If you could live in any past decade, which would you choose?

I would, without a doubt, choose the Jazz Age...the Roaring 1920's. I would be a gutsy gal who ignored prohibition and did things like get a job and cut my hair short (gasp!)

The 1920's saw an economic upswing after World War I and people came alive! I can only imagine what the big cities were like with Jazz Clubs on every corner filled with flappers with their long cigarettes dancing with men in fedoras and rolled trousers. Like Roxie Hart in Chicago!

The 1920's gave birth to a group of writers known as the Lost Generation which included F. Scott Fitzgerald, Ernest Hemingway, Cole Porter and many others. Of course, all of these famous writers were holed up in Europe...but I'd love to hear their stories and watch them live. It's no coincedence that my favorite book is The Great Gatsby..Daisy and her big hats and aristocratic life. And Jay Gatsby! Swoon...

I would definitely like to take a stab at several other generations, but I have always been attracted to the boldness of the 1920's. It's amazing how much a country can change decade by decade...from fashion to politics, music to technology.

Not too long from now we will be experiencing a new decade of 20's. The 2020's. I'll be in my mid-thirties by then...wonder if the flapper look will reemerge.

:)

Day 4: A favorite photo of myself

Today's challenge is to blog about a favorite picture of yourself from when you were a child. Well...I have two that I cannot decide between.

Picture #1:

This picture was taken outside of my grandparent's house when I was probably about three years old. This pretty much sums up my time spent with my grandma Linda when I was little. She always had a camera with her and loved to take pictures of us all. We would go into her closet and pick all sorts of things for me to model. I was pretty much a ham so I didn't have a problem with it at all. Even though I was very little here, I have vivid memories of doing this with her quite a bit. And let's face it...I'm pretty darn cute.

Picture #2:

This picture was probably taken around the same time as the one above, but this gives you a better idea of what I actually looked like....scraggly hair, busted chin and a devilish grin. I was almost four here and this is all the hair my little body could produce. What a mess. And I'm pretty sure that's a boy's shirt, but my mom would beg to differ. I hear I was quite the stinker when I was this age...and all ages after. I was sarcastic before I knew what it meant. I was voted "Mother Hen" at Kindergarten graduation...just a nice way of calling me bossy. Aren't you glad I've grown out of that? Aren't you?! Answer me...tell me I'm not bossy!!!

:)

Blog Challenge Day 3: Exciting Adventure

No one will ever call me a dare devil, or even a risk-taker for that matter. I slept with a night light until I was at least 13. My first plane ride at age 10 was spent holding the barf bag for 4 hours and a family trip to the Frio River still gives me nightmares. So, to tell people I went cave tubing in Belize always raises a few eyebrows.

In 2004, I went on a cruise with a couple of friends from work and cave tubing was one of our excursions. I wasn't quite sure what to expect, but I was not exactly excited. However, I had decided before the trip that I would just go with the flow and not let my fears stop me.

One bright morning, we docked in Belize and took a 30 minute speed boat ride to Belize Port and then took an hour long bus trip to the jungle. My stomach was in knots, but some people on the bus had done this excursion before and assured me that it was not all that bad. When we arrived, we were given a black inner-tube and a light to wear around our heads. It's never a good thing when its bright outside and someone hands you a headlight before you head out into a rain forest...or whatever type of tropical craziness we were immersed in.

So, with tubes over our shoulders, lights on our heads and water shoes on our feet, we trekked a good mile to the mouth of the cave...just in time to see some bats flutter off. Perfect.

As nervous as I was, I had to soak in where we were. Surrounded by every natural element imaginable; from rock formations to trees bearing the most exotic fruits. Our guide instructed us to get in the water and take a seat in our tubes. Lights on...we

eased in to the cave.

It was pitch black and filled with the sounds of creatures we never actually got to see. I do not recall how deep the water was, but we were oblivious to our surroundings due mainly to the fact that we could not see much and the fact that I just did not want to drown. Near the end of the cave there was a small whirlpool of water and naturally, I was the one who got pulled into it.

Thinking back on it now...I'm not exactly sure what the point was...but I did it. Floated through a long dark cave in the middle of Belize. But the best part of it all is when you exit the cave and you're in the middle of a wide river surrounded by the sights and smells of the trees and their fruits.

My words do not give this trip justice nor do the pictures, but it was exciting nonetheless. It was not as exhilarating as a sky dive, but it was definitely an adventure I will never forget.

Blog Challenge Day 2: Music

Today's challenge asked me to set my i-pod on shuffle and reveal the first 10 songs. This could be interesting as I have a schizophrenic taste in music. I don't judge music, so you should not judge me by my music. :)

 1. SKIN BY RASCAL FLATTS: Is there a sadder song? Well...yes, but not when you keep hearing part of your name in a song that is about a girl with cancer, when you've had cancer yourself. This song came out the year I was diagnosed and I remember listening to this song wile I was going through chemo in Houston. Talk about a punch in the stomach. "She dreams she's dancing, around and around, without any care...soft wind blowing her hair" That's basically all you dream about when you don't have hair.

 2. L.A. SONG BY BETH HART: Wow, I used to belt this song out in my room all the time. This is a classic one hit wonder from the 90's. This girl had some killer dreadlocks too. "She leaves a note by the phone that says don't leave no message 'cause this ain't no home...and she cried and she cried and she cried." I'm attracted to sad songs because they always tell an awesome story.

 3. WHERE IT'S AT BY BECK: I don't really have a specific memory associated with this song, but let's just admit that this is a bad-ass song. "I got two turntables and a microphone..." This is great driving music.

 4. BE MINE! BY ROBYN: Ok, if you have this song in your library...raise your hand. We just became best friends. This is a fun song and I don't care what this chick looks like with her bleached, half shaved head. She's awesome and I love her. The end.

 5. PAPERWEIGHT BY JOSHUA RADIN: If you do not have any music by Joshua Radin then you do not have a soul. That's right, you do not have a soul. "Mess up my bed with me...kick off the covers...and every word you say I think I should write down..." His voice is like butter and I want him to sing me to sleep every night.

 6. OH, TONIGHT BY JOSH ABBOTT BAND: This used to be a certain boy's ringtone and he's currently working to earn it back. Just a good ol' Texas Country love song. "Oh, tonight we're gonna set the world on fire...and I'm gonna set aside my pride and I'm not gonna be the one to say goodbye..."

 7. IT IS WHAT IT IS BY LIFEHOUSE: Lifehouse will forever be one of my favorite bands and this is one of their best songs. A good break-up song. Surprise, surprise...another sad song. "Too long we've been denying, now we're both tired of trying. We've hit a wall and we can't get over it. Nothing to relive, it's water under the bridge...you said it, I get it...I guess it is what it is..." Kills me.

 8. THIS IS WHY I'M HOT BY MIMS: Oh yeahhhhh, I'm ghetto too. I'm a sucker for anything with a deep bass, I don't care how hardcore it is. I miss my Eclipse because it had a sub in the back...I still need to pimp out my Mazda. Haha...yes, I just said that. "I'm hot 'cause I'm fly, you ain't 'cause you not." Oh, an English teacher's dream student.

 9. GRAVITY BY SARA BAREILLES: Good Lord, my shuffle must be depressed tonight. "I've never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain..." She is the kind of artist I would want to be...just a girl and her piano.

 10. FLIGHTLESS BIRD, AMERICAN MOUTH BY IRON & WINE: Yes, this song is from Twilight...BUT, and this is a bigger butt than mine...I loved Iron & Wine BEFORE Twilight so do not call me a poser or a twi-hard. Well, maybe I am sort of a twi-hard, but I guess I just got lucky that such a great song was included in the first movie.

 Ok, so do you feel like you know me so much better now?? Ha, I didn't think so. But that was kinda fun...now it's your turn! Start blogging!

30-days of blogging

In an attempt to update my blog on a daily basis, I have decided to jump into a 30-day blog challenge. I found a list of 30 simple topics that I will try my best to elaborate on. This will either go well and make me feel accomplished, or it will frustrate me to no end. Either way, I hope you (my four readers) find it entertaining.

DAY 1: PICTURES OF YOUR BEST FRIENDS


Meet Sara Wills...or as I first met her...Sara Cortez. Sara and I met in first grade in room 14 and have been friends ever since. This is my absolute favorite picture of her and I even have it hanging on my refrigerator. Every time I see it I can hear the silly laugh that accompanies that look. Her wedding was so much fun and I was so happy to be her Maid of Honor. Even though we live a state's length apart, it doesn't stop us from keeping in touch and I know I can always count on her.



Meet Laura Jean White...soon to be Laura Jean Morrow. We have another wedding coming up and now it's sweet Laura's turn! We met in girl scouts in the third grade. She went to smarty pants school for elementary and junior high, but we were able to finally go to school together in high school. Laura, Sara and I always lived less than 2 minutes away, which made it convenient to hang out on the weekends and during the summers. I love this picture her...it's very "Laura." She has a heart of gold and finds joy in simple things. I can't wait to be a bride's maid at her wedding in May...even though she's making me wear purple. :)



I would be remissed not to mention my cousin and of course my mother, but that pretty much goes without saying. And in all honestly, the term 'best friend' is hard for me to use sometimes. I have so many favorite people in my life and I don't want to rank them in any sort of order. They each make me happy for very different reasons. But Sara and Laura are my life-long, non-related friends that I know will always be around no matter how long we go without seeing each other. They were my first best friends and shall always remain so.

A few too many

Caged up in the pressure of you
Trying to figure out what I did or did not do
Losing sleep over a month long dream
Fighting back a love sick scream

Its clear to me now that I fall too fast
But is that a reason to let a good thing pass?
All I've ever wanted is a chance to fly
But all I seem to hear is a different goodbye

"Hey baby, it's me not you..."
"Hey honey, its just something I cant do..."
"Maybe later we can try again..."

Just a few goodbyes from a few good men

My hands are tied as I look a head
I cant keep count of the tears I've shed
But every road is split and I stand confused
I seem to falter no matter which path I choose 

I'm not crazy but I do fall fast
Maybe that's why I'm getting passed
All I've ever wanted is a chance to fly 
But all I seem to hear is a different goodbye

"Hey baby, Its just not working out..."
"Hey honey, I can't quite figure us out..."
"Maybe later we can try again..."

Just a few goodbyes from a few good men

I have more remedies for broken hearts
Than the sky has room for falling stars
I revel in the days when I feel put together
And pray for a dose of something better

Falling fast is better than not taking chances
I'm a sucker for sly smiles and second glances
But they always seem to be from the wrong guy
And I'm left hearing a different goodbye

"Hey baby, I've found someone new..."
"Hey honey, she reminds me of you..."
"Maybe later we can try again..."

A few goodbyes from a few too many men

Blunt Knife

You’re a million miles away
Yet the distance makes you wonder
If the girl you once knew is okay
You pick up the phone and dial me
Say a few words in agony
As though I had called you…
You’re fishing for a compliment
Or maybe just an argument
To hear my familiar voice
You had no other choice….
You knew I would answer
Regardless of my current state of mind
Your emotions always rob me blind
Lift me up like star light
Then bring me down like rain
But you never mean to cause me pain
It’s just the memories I associate
The words I anticipate
The scenarios I carelessly create…
You’re the thunder that breaks the silence
In a relatively boring life
So I’m willing to take your call
I’m willing to sharpen that knife…

Oh Blogness....

It has been quite a while since I have updated. No reason in particular...just haven't had a lot of inspiration I suppose. Which can be a good thing considering I tend to be more verbal when I'm upset about something...or someone.

I was going through my writings that I keep in Word and the last 6 or so are unfinished and fleeting thoughts. I should really finish a couple of those. It frustrates me that I don't write as much as I used to, but I think it's the perfectionist in me. I have a hard time blogging about random thoughts of my everyday life. I'm always trying to write the "perfect" poem or thought.

I watched a poetry slam on TV the other night and now I want to attempt to write in that style. Very fast paced, emotionally raw, and rough around the edges. But I think someone would really have to piss me off in order for something like that to come alive. :)

small words

This is one of the first songs I ever wrote on my guitar. It's short, but it has chords and everything! :)

Some day you'll understand that small words can break a man
Small words can make you cry, make you worry and hurt your life

Don't try and fight me with words; it will only make me feel worse
Just try and yell at yourself and feel the pain like everyone else

Chorus:
Small words are easy to say, but they make me cry anyway
To see you say them with pain in your eyes hurts me more than you realize
So don't try and hide it, be a man and fight it
Just know that small words make me cry

Mean looks and nasty glares, they don't hurt me anywhere
But small words said to me, make me tremble and fall to my knees

We will cry the same tears; we might have the same fears
So try to feel it when I cry - don't turn around and say goodbye

Just nod and look pretty...

Just as soon as I learned to say no, I heard myself say yes again
I had pulled the dagger out and then I watched myself slip it back in

I may as well have fallen to my knees and begged to be used again
Flailing my arms in reverse surrender, the guilt of which I hold in

It took just one moment of weakness to feel falsely needed again
And it took just one familiar heckler to get me to jump in

When I found myself soaked in regret, I wanted to be strong again
But found that it is hard to demolish the side that lets frailty in

Regardless of any unnerving effects, I need to say no again
When NO starts to taste good, and people believe, that's when I'll let YES in...


Again...

Streamers on my microphone

I would be barefoot on an oriental rug
My hair would be wavy and longer than it's ever been
My toe nails would be bright pink as my feet danced around
I would feel alive
I would feel electric
I would tell the truth in metaphors

I would be barefoot on an oriental rug...

I would be the best rock star you've ever seen...

White Flag

Covered in chaos
Motivating silence
Turning my back on
Temporary violence

My feelings are useless
My emotions are raw
Camouflaged surrender
Back against the wall

Summertime

Summers hold very fond memories for me and as I get older I crave them even more, although they have significantly changed.
There were the summers when I was youngest and my parents sent my brother and I to summer recreation. There were definitely days we didn't want to go, but I can't help but happily recall time spent there. I remember the big brown thermos of lemonade my mom often sent with us to share at lunch with my peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. The smell of these treats still bring me back to those days. Recreation is where I learned to play Four-Square and hopscotch. It's where I jumped on stage every single Friday to participate in the dance contest - where I inevitably performed the same routine every week. And then of course, there was the summer I was crowned "Little Miss Summer Recreation." I remember I was shocked when my mom let me bring my best dress with me that day to perform.
Other summers were spent with my grandmother who lived with us and I was able to play with all of my neighborhood friends. We practically lived in our bathing suits and ran back and forth between the two houses with pools. I was more tan than I will ever be in my life. Alex and Tasha were my partners in crime as we played our own made up games in tree houses and bedrooms that we imagined to be class rooms and very important offices that we were in charge of.
I could go on forever describing in detail the games we played and the secrets we kept. There were long bike rides, visits to the park and Rollerblade races down Alex's steep driveway. But there were also days of great boredom with "nothing to do" that now I see as a luxury I would love to have again.
When I was 13 we moved to a new house and left my old friends behind. My brother was now driving and I was often left alone during the summer. Those were the summers of music. I fell in love with Broadway musicals and choreographed routines to Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Coat (Donny Osmond version) and Annie. My family probably doesn't even know to what extent I went to learn all of the words and how I took over the entire downstairs area. I also used to set up a little recorder by the piano and belt out songs all afternoon. That is how I learned the "oldies" as I played the sheet music from my mom's collection. Up Where We Belong, Let it Be, and Five Foot Two were some of my favorites. This is also the time when I wanted to be like Rosie O'Donnell. (This was of course when she was "Queen of Nice" and...funny) I was going to have "The Beth Terry Show" and I practiced in my room with invisible celebrities.
In between the changes of my summers, there were always family vacations and special outings. Babysitting my cousin, sleepovers, church camp, VBS and other things my parents let me go to. And of course, I was always the geeky one who anticipated the return of school. Not only did it mean new clothes, but fresh new school supplies - something I still have a weird obsession with.
When I turned 16 I had my first taste of freedom as I was able to basically go where I wanted within reason. I was the only one of my friends who had a car, so we often found ourselves just driving around because we could. The road was there and we needed to travel it...even if it led us to the mall four times a week.
I'm not sure what provoked this soliloquy of summers past, but I know I appreciate them much more now that they are not quite the same. Summers are more of a business objective and there is really no separation through out the months. But I revel in my ability to not be limited in when vacations can be planned. They don't have to be summer getaways anymore, they can be Fall or Spring. Broadway musicals can still be performed in my house...just perhaps with a little less enthusiasm to spare the neighbors.
I certainly miss days of unplanned adventures and flip-flop tans, but am pleased at how my summers essentially helped shape who I am today. Eclectic memories of my summer soul.

I feel like a cover version of your favorite song
Your beloved lyrics released in a tune so wrong
I remind you of something that has since flown away
But my availability is comforting so you decide to stay

Lightning Storm

Lost my heart in a lightning storm
Flying home before the rain could form
Never thought I could be so high
But feel so low in that dark black sky
When the city lights began to shine below
I felt like someone I didn’t even know
I should have been strong but I caved
My emotions have never been well-behaved
It was simply goodbye from the start
And this is why I have lost my heart